


The One With The Gluey Sausage

by defeatedbyabridge



Category: Friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-20
Updated: 2006-12-20
Packaged: 2018-01-25 05:12:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1633316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/defeatedbyabridge/pseuds/defeatedbyabridge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written for Tracy</p>
    </blockquote>





	The One With The Gluey Sausage

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Tracy

 

 

Monica stuck her tongue between her teeth and squinted at the sausage in her hand. "It's not as glistening as it could be, is it? This sausage isn't really good enough."

"You said that last night," Chandler said mournfully, then he caught the potentially ballistic expression on the face of his lovely, petite wife who was the size of Smurfette - mmm, Smurfette - and could break every bone in his body. "Uh, no, it's just glisteny enough. It is full of glisteningness. It couldn't **be** any more glistening if it went to glistening school and graduated top of the class with glisteny honours."

"You always know the right things to say," Monica said. She smiled at him as she carefully placed a glob of superglue on the sausage and put it on top of the other, identical sausages on the plate. "Eventually, anyway." She picked up a fork and fluffed the rice next to the sausages.

"JOEY!" Ross flung open the door to Monica and Chandler's apartment and stood in the doorway for a moment, panting.

His hair, usually gelled to pointy perfection, was mussed. The buttons on his coat were done up wrong. His face was red and he had an envelope clutched in one fist.

Chandler raised his hand, "Mr Cranky? Have you seen my good friend, Ross?"

"Where's Joey? Where is he?" Ross stormed across the floor. Then he ran out of steam. He stopped, sniffed the air, then spun and took a second look at Monica and Chandler and the plate on the table.

Ross raised an eyebrow. "Y'know, Mon, when Phoebe said your sausages were dry, she didn't mean it. You don't have to punish her with your gluey sausage." He snickered when he realised what he'd said. "'Gluey sausage', heh."

"Hey!" Chandler turned to Monica. "How come he's allowed to make sausage jokes and I'm not?"

Monica smacked him in the arm. "Because he's my brother. When you become my brother you can make sausage jokes. Also, I can kill myself because if you're my brother, then eww."

Chandler rubbed his arm and waved the tube of superglue at Ross. "Don't you glue your food for the holidays?" Ross took the superglue and turned it over in his hands, not really looking at it.

Monica sighed. "I have a commission for a kids' magazine. To make a balanced meal that a kid would eat. There has to be a photo, too. We're using some tricks to make it look perfect." She got up from the table, opened the fridge and took out a tiny container of multicoloured vegetables to use as a garnish.

Chandler nodded, "Yeah, there are all sorts of cool tricks, including something with a tampon that I don't really know about." He grinned in a manic sort of way. "But whatever it does, it's super-absorbent!"

Monica nodded towards the bathroom. "Joey's in there. What's he done?"

"Asked me to guest lecture for him. I got a letter from the head of his acting school."

Chandler smiled. "That's kinda cool."

"Yeah, except the letter was addressed to Doctor Rossislof Gellerovski of Prague, expert on the Stanislavsky Method."

"Ohhhh. Not so cool."

There was the sound of flushing, then Joey strolled out of the bathroom, magazine under one arm. He went to put it back on the coffee table but Monica raised her eyes to the heavens. "Keep it. Seriously."

Joey beamed. "Thanks! Those sausages look great, Mon!"

Monica grinned. "I know!"

Chandler watched, impressed, as Ross stalked closer and then towered over Joey. His face was as red as Monica's went that time when Chandler put the handtowels in the wrong shelf in the linen closet.

Chandler realised he was in a room with three people who could probably all kick his ass, and then he got a little sad.

"Joey! I am not an acting expert! I am not going to do a guest lecture for you!"

Joey grinned encouragingly. "C'mon, Ross, I said I'd have someone for class tonight. That's why they hired me! **I** helped **you** out."

Ross folded his arms. "I asked you to go in and tell my students I was running late, while I parked the car. I didn't ask you to try to teach."

"I did all right, though, huh?"

"Joey. Watching Jurassic Park does not make you an expert! It's 'Cretaceous', not 'Cretinous', and velociraptors were predators and did not live off Twinkies and Laura Dern! Look at this!" Ross slammed the envelope into Joey's hand.

Joey tried to open the envelope. "You can take your hand off now, Ross," he said mildly.

Ross jerked his hand away.

Joey's hand came too.

"Superglue," Ross sighed. He gestured angrily at Chandler, and managed to hit himself in the head with Joey's upper arm. "SUPERGLUE!"

Chandler restrained a snicker. "Hey, it wasn't me who decided to declare today Get To Know Joey Day."

Rachel and Phoebe came through the door. "Perfect," Ross sighed. Phoebe crumpled the coffee cup she was holding and threw it in the bin without taking her eyes off Ross and Joey.

"Awww, how sweet! How long have you two been together?" Rachel asked, hand on heart in mock happiness. "And why am I always the last to know? Did **you** know about this, Pheebs?" She turned to Phoebe.

"I knew it was gonna happen someday, but I thought not for a few years yet," Phoebe said. "Y'know, after Joey gets over his grand love affair with the Russian bear trainer with legs up to woo hoo." She indicated a height around her own shoulders.

"'Legs up to woo hoo'? Cool," Joey said.

"Female or male?" asked Rachel.

"This is not helping!" Ross cried. "Do you have something to get this off?"

"I'm all out," Monica said apologetically. "We used it on the rice."

"Yes, because some of the grains weren't aligned correctly," Chandler said. He pasted a big smile on his face. "Which was just awful and I'm so glad we fixed it and oh God help me when did I turn into a big girl?"

"College?" suggested Joey.

"I brought the tampons," Rachel said, rummaging through her purse. She emerged triumphant holding a paper bag.

"Not really helping right now," Ross said, "and I have a date tonight! At Descarte's!"

"You never take me anywhere nice," Joey said, squeezing Ross's hand. "I don't want to go to that restaurant again. Can we go dancing instead?"

"Drugstore," Ross said, ignoring Joey. "Drugstore'll have something, right?"

"I imagine so," said Monica. "Best of luck, boys. You do make a cute couple."

Ross stormed out, dragging Joey. Joey flashed them a thumbs up on his way out the door.

Chandler looked at Monica. "We have another tube of the remover stuff, right?"

"Yes," said Monica, "yes, we do. But Ross was annoying."

"I've always said that!" exclaimed Phoebe.

* * *

Ross walked down the street, with his Joey-afflicted hand held behind him, face like thunder. He tried to ignore Joey's presence but it was difficult given that Joey was waving and yelling to everyone he saw.

It was a cool day, but the sun was shining, so of course there were LOTS of people. Gunther leant on a broom out the front of Central Perk and watched them go by, with a broad grin on his face.

The drugstore was thankfully empty.

Ross found what they needed and got to the counter.

Then he realised he didn't have any money. His spirits sank. "Looking for this?" Joey enquired, showing Ross a ten dollar bill. "You can have it on one condition."

* * *

Later that afternoon, Ross looked down at Joey from the podium, and cleared his throat helplessly. He didn't know anything about Stanislavsky and it was all going to go wrong. Joey's class of twenty eager faces stared up at him expectantly. "Uh, ze first zing you must know about Stanislavsky is zat he vas a big fan of ze bakingk, from his early childhood in ze cafes ov France where he did ze learning of ze baking," Ross mopped his brow, "and henzz we move onto his liff az actingk coach where he did learn us all about ze actingk as being lick a beyootiful pastry as it rises in ze oven, openingk to reveal ze goodness inside."

Joey gave him a thumbs up, grinning.

Ross sighed, and had another thought. "Ve are also aware of hiss great likingk for ze dinosaurs, and how he believed good actingk is about revealingk ze bones."

Only another ten minutes to go.

 

 

 


End file.
